After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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