I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
