Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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