Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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