I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
