Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
