I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
