I just cut my nipple shaving
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
