My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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