Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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