I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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