I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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