My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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