really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
