Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
