She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
