I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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