ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
