She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
