I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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