I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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