i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
