Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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