Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
