There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
