Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
