When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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