my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize