Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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