i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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