Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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