Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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