I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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