Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
