How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
