I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
