Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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