Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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