Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
