if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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