5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
