I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
