girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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