Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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