nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
