she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize