I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
