You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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