Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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