So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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