He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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