I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize