The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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