I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
