I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize