I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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