The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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