got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
