So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
