im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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