Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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